These Damned Kids Today...

So I picked up a copy of Sport Compact Car magazine recently. Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Simple---new Cougar Eliminator article. Man does that thing smoke for a front-driver.....anyway, I have to admit to glancing through this mag on occasion over the years. Not only are there some cool accessories for vehicles now, but there are rims out the wazoo. Any rim you want, it's in there. I try to have a positive outlook when I pick up a magazine or newspaper because, let's face it, everyone writes from a slant. No matter how hard they try to be objective, there is always an opinion expressed somewhere. Imagine my face when I read this, the beginning of the article on the Cougar:

"We aren't much for muscle cars at Sport Compact Car. They're generally viewed as obtuse, overweight relics of times gone by, and we prefer to pretend they don't exist. And, short of a common acknowledgement for almost anything with four wheels, we usually do."

Excuse ME?!? Without muscle cars would you be where you are today? This ruffled the ol' E Man's feathers just a bit. I started looking harder...this magazine is so biased it's not even funny. But it is, I suspect, the impetus of the unfortunate new trend: young front-drive-owning kids thinking they own the baddest cars on the planet.

Let me start off by saying that anyone that knows me, knows that I have no prejudices whatsoever. That's the way I was raised and that's all I know. And I am all for people making their cars into whatever they think is cool. But there is such a thing as good taste and obviously these kids don't know that. If these are the types of cars that I'll be seeing at car shows in the future, shoot me now. It's not just a few kids, it seems like damn close to all of them. I think my brother (who is definitely different) put it best: why is it that stereotypes are often so true? Makes ya go hmm.......

So now that this crappy magazine got me hot and bothered, here's my slant. I suppose we have to look at the American auto industry in general. The 1980's, much as our hearts may be with those years, were very bad for rear-drive cars. Now I don't know about you but I don't consider most cars AS cars unless they're being propelled by rear wheels. But the Big Three saw the opportunity then to make cars more compact and allow less room for machinery, more room for passengers. All fine and dandy but what happens is that cars are now corporate packages. There are very few cars sold today that illicit any kind of individual personality. Sure, you've got your BMW, Mercedes, Jaguar, Lexus perhaps---but guess what: they're damn near all rear drive! So what happened? Our government established tigher emissions and fuel economy laws, not to mention requiring additional safety equipment. This essentially forced automakers to switch to front-drive vehicles and abandon the rear-drive layout that virtually dominated the car market up until that point. Ford, bless its heart, tried to keep our Cat alive until the mid-1990's but the market for it simply dried up (for rear drive SUV's---how's that for irony?!). Now you can pretty much only buy a front drive car. As a result, there has been a whole new generation of kids that don't know what a rear drive car is. And if they do, they think it's a polluted old dinosaur (kind of what we though about cars from the 1940's and 1950's, no?).

Now here is where the line is drawn. We Cougar owners obviously enjoy our cars BECAUSE they're rear drive. Sure, they're not the fastest cars out there, and they do kind of suck in the winter, but we drive the hell out of 'em regardless and have fun in the process. I'll push either one of my cars before I have to resort to driving a bland vanilla front-drive car. It's hard to get the rear-drive mentality out of me. As I'm sure it's hard to get the front-drive mentality out of kids today. Yet I don't think my cars are the baddest out there and try to race everyone I meet. There is a perverse sense of pleasure knowing that I can waste quite a few cars out there, gotta admit----but I have to keep the ol' driving record clean here in this wonderful speedtrap known as Ohio. So I don't race anyone on the street as that's what the drag strip is for. But as tight-assed as this state is, does that stop young kids from wanting to race you, no matter what they drive? A resounding "hayell no". Just who in the hell do these punks think they are? John Force?

Let's take a closer look at this "magazine". There is a Honda Avatar (whatever that is) with some serious hi-po parts, pumping out nearly 1,000 horsepower. I ask myself, WHY in God's name would someone want a 1,000 horsepower Honda? Hmm, I suspect just a bit of torque steer. It is funny as hell to see slicks on the FRONT wheels and skinnines on the back---that picture might go up on my office wall. I need a good laugh every once in a while. Then we have some kid that sends in a photo of his Eclipse GS-T he nicknamed "The Pony Killer". Sorry bud, if I ever see you, you are TOAST. Then there's the article on the new exhaust system for the Honda S-2000 sports car. Now I'm not a fan of that car but I do respect it for what it is---pretty rare. And here they go, hacking up the exhaust system for new mufflers and pipes. Like there will actually be hundreds of people doing this to their new S-2000's. Then there are the dozens upon dozens of ads for chrome intake tubes, chrome headers (only one is needed per car, remember), the stupidest-looking spoilers ever to grace this planet, more body changing kits than I've ever seen (what's wrong with stock?), and of course you gotta have the Stage 2 nitrous kits. (I will concede to the rims because some of them are pretty cool). All of these things subconsciously have an effect on young people, apparently, because this trend is just going through the roof. And it seems everybody's just gotta have one.

The car company of choice here seems to be a Honda, although Toyota, Saturn, and other foreign automakers can be lumped in. Now Honda Motor Company, in general, produces some fairly high-tech car components and some pretty wicked race cars. They are committed to bringing track technology to the street (as with the aforementioned S-2000 and the Acura NS-X) and I have to give my props to them for that. They also seem to have quite a loyal customer base. I personally think they make the most boring, uninspired, generic cars on the market but that's just my opinion. Now from what I've read the V-TEC engine, with its variable valve timing, is pretty peppy and fairly revolutionary. But honestly kids, I don't need to be reminded that your car has a V-TEC with your obnoxiously overgrown vinyl body sticker. My personal favorites are the non-Hondas with the V-TEC stickers--brilliant, Einstein! And there must be hundreds of new racing teams out there because all I seem to see is "_ Racing" plastered all over the car. They actually race these tin cans? I'll be damned. Who pushes them off the starting line? Now I know Momo makes wheels...but why do you have to put the three-foot Momo sticker on the back window where it blocks the view (along with the bi-plane spoiler)? Is there some sort of sponsorship competition that Momo is offering, that I don't know about? Honestly, I can see your 20" rims from a block away and the centercap says MOMO in plain letters. I get the idea. And do you really, REALLY enjoy the tin can sound that your bloated, oversized chrome exhaust tip makes? Don't you know that you look like a total ass when you drive a car that makes that sound? Guess not. You may think you're hard, but remember--the rest of us are laughing AT you while we blow your doors away.

This syndrome does not affect just the imported cars, but the American front-drivers as well. I live within 20 miles of the main GM plant (Lordstown, OH) that produces the Chevrolet Cavalier and Pontiac Sunfire....or as I like to call 'em, the Crappalier and S**tfire. Trust me, you've not seen anything until you've seen some of these cars running around here. They sure drive them like they're Hondas. But of course, Daddy the GM Employe (as they spell it) would be shot on sight if he bought a Honda for his kid---gotta get that GM discount. We also have the DSM (Diamond Star Motors) cars---Eclipse, Laser, Talon---made in Normal, IL for the Chrysler Corporation. Like it or not, these cars are earning some serious respect at drag strips across the country. Great, but take away the twin turbos and what do you have? Oh, that's right---an ordinary 4-banger. Get in line. Then there's the new Cougar manufactured in Flat Rock, MI. I feel much more comfortable, for some reason, when kids are driving it around. Still, it's not a rear-drive Cat and cannot pretend to be.

The main point here (my opinions notwithstanding) is that the general attitude is: America can't make "in" cars anymore. Kids are now stuck with the stigma that American cars suck and foreign automakers have the only cars worth modifying. I'm sorry but that's a huge slap in the face to any American autoworker. Now I know Hondas are built here in Ohio (don't remind me), and BMW makes cars here, yadda yadda yadda. Fine, whatever automaker you work for, you should definitely try to drive their products with the pride of knowing that YOU helped make it. Doesn't necessarily mean it's for me, but still, more power to you. And if you like your foreign cars, cool man, whatever. But don't tell me that my rear drive car sucks and is not worthy of modifications. If anything, it's more worthy of fixing up than any other car! In a way, this could be Generation Y's backlash to Generation X, who really put the emphasis on modifying American cars (Mustang, Camaro, Firebird, Cougar, Thunderbird, etc.). Their souped-up front-drive cars are so anti-establishment, and the owner's need for being different yet hip is so strong, that there is a perverse overlying sense of shock. Have you been to the drag strip lately? Have you seen the looks on older guys' faces when kids bring their Toyotas to the track? Do you see them laughing at the kids when they pull 17 and 18 second times? Simply put, most front-drive cars are not worthy of respect at the track or on the street. And that means Generation X and the baby boomers are not going to tolerate their attitudes.

Now of course you can't totally blame the kids--there's simply nothing else out there for them to buy or in which to take pride. Introspectively speaking, I see a clear, strong psychological need for Generation Y to be considered cool in any and every way possible. Hell, back in the 1980's cool meant growing your hair long and listening to loud music (didn't that also happen in the 1960's?). There was peer pressure, sure---isn't there always?--but nothing like this. We pierced our ears; they pierce everything but. We had tattoos on our arms or shoulders, where they can be easily hidden if necessary; they tattoo everything and have it all hanging out, leaving nothing to the imagination. We were happy with one good pair of jeans; they must have one for each day of the week. And we had to work at a McBurger place to be able to afford ANY car we could get our hands upon (and we liked the car regardless). All I can say for the kids is that Mom and Dad must be pretty loaded to be able to afford these new cars. Now Generation Y has the shortest attention spans of any, and corporate sponsorship has grown enormously over the past 15 years. So it's no wonder they want a brand new car to slap stickers all over----it's all they know. They surely don't want a yucky ol' USED car, do they? That would teach them things like self-reliance and responsibility. I can honestly say I've seen Hondas that, from start to finish, cost more than your average muscle car restoration from the ground up. Now THAT is sick (sorry if I'm showing my age a bit).

It's crystal clear to me that the car companies are definitely advocating kids to buy these cars; aftermarket companies are making more parts for them than Mustang 5.0's (who ever though we'd see that day!); and new-school trash magazines like Sport Compact Car are only further developing the image that kids need this kind of "car" to be hip, and not a rear-drive car. Would any of these admit to this? Of course not--they're in business to make money from whomever feeds it over. Yep, these guys are all in bed together. Communist plot? I wouldn't go that far but there does seem to be a conspiracy brewing.

So now that I've ranted, I will leave with some final potshots to the kids (hey, it's my page dammit):

- It's my firm belief that any front-drive vehicle that cannot produce upwards of 200 horsepower or more by its own natural aspiration (if you can't understand that big word, that means no nitrous, turbos or supercharger) is hereby considered not a real car. We can build our rear-drive cars with that much power very easily, and without any external help. You can't without cheating---so YOU don't exist anymore. Period.

- You should really start giving your ET's in 1/4 mile times, instead of 1/8 times as you now do ("Yo money grip, my phat ride does 8's!"). Oh, that's right, your car runs out of nitrous halfway down the track. My bad. Yeah, 1/8 mile times sound better--stick to them. We know what you really mean.

- You seem to want your own car shows. That's an excellent idea--don't pollute ours anymore.

- Don't pull next to me at the stoplight and rev your engine. You are asking for something you really don't want.

- And please, don't knock rear drive cars. It is unfortunate that you don't understand what it is to own a real car. Perhaps one day, if we ever let you inside our Cougars, we'll show you. There have been some converted owners and young owners, so there is hope for you. In the meantime, if you feel you have to play with toys, it's your prerogative but we'll welcome you anytime you get your senses and maturity together.

And now you Cougar owners: we have to be patient with the kids. They're obviously suffering from delusions right now. Give them a few years and they might turn around.

In the meantime...never pass up an opportunity to show them your taillights.

Until next time,

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